A Celebration of Sandra Bullock’s 2009

Sandra Bullock is in elite company. She is one of only 3 individuals to win Hollywood’s most prestigious prize (An Oscar) and Hollywood’s least prestigious prize (A Razzie) in the same year. What a 2009 she had.

She, of course, won her Oscar for playing Leigh Anne Tuohy in The Blind Side (2009), the feel-good movie that will surely move on today against Varsity Blues (1999), even though that is a travesty. But The Blind Side is the boring film she put out in 2009. The really interesting one is the one she won her Razzie for (traditionally awarding the worst of Hollywood in a given year), the strange beyond strange film, All About Steve (2009).

Sandra Bullock plays crossword puzzle writer (don’t think this is a real job, or at least not one you can support yourself on) Mary Horowitz. Mary has something wrong with her. I’m not quite sure what it is, but it’s something.

I think Mary is supposed to be presented as socially awkward, but she frankly comes off as having something seriously wrong with her. She has a pet hamster she talks to. Her parents still seem to hold an enormous amount of influence on her life (she has to be in her 30s too), and she is a terrifying stalker. She also wears these bright, and I mean BRIGHT, red boots everywhere.

In the film, Mary’s parents set her up on a blind date with Steve, a cameraman played by Bradley Cooper (how did the makers of this movie get him AND Sandra Bullock to be in this?). The date does not go well, but Mary thinks so and is smitten. So the next day she does what any woman would do and creates a crossword puzzle entirely with clues about her date Steve and puts it in the paper. You know, because that’s how it works.

After this incident, Mary is, of course, fired. And she does the only logical thing she knows to do. Stalk Steve.

The film then follows her quest to win Steve’s heart. Hilarity ensues. There are children trapped in a mine. Then, Mary gets trapped in the mine (once again, something is WRONG with her). Thankfully, in the end Mary lets Steve go. They have a moment together once she gets out of the mine where he tells her, completely earnestly, “never change, Mary.”

No, please change. For all our sakes.